October 4th, 2001

I went in for healing primarily for "suicidal depression" that I had since age 12; I'm 54 now.

I was afraid I wouldn't be let in for just that reason, so I listed having a heart murmur as first on my list, along with depression, fatigue and menopause symptoms, which did seem to be associated.

I was surprised at how I only giggled and laughed during the whole 3 minute healing treatment with Dr. Fritz. It didn't seem like anything had happened "out of the ordinary". I went in the following day with my Mom.  Her request was for relief of chronic low-back pain she'd had for several years.

A few hours after my treatment, I fell into a deep depression which was at first extremely disappointing and fearful. I reasoned it must be part of the healing process and reminded myself to "trust", but I really had no option anyway.

Unlike the bouts I'd had over the last few years, (which instead of lasting weeks or months in all my previous life), would dissolve when I entered into direct communion with God through prayer – but this bout didn't. Prayer and God were both simply beyond my reach. So I had no relief after a few hours, or overnight. Instead, it lasted several days, with each day getting more intense. I felt completely unstable like pure chaotic, frantic energy one minute, then like death the next minute, lifeless, just a blob of hopeless nothingness.

But for the first time it wasn't just some mysterious, black, sinister, oppressive and heavy hole of despair and self-loathing I found myself in.  Shockingly, I was ANGRY! I was angry at so many things; specific people, events, my current environment, a whole story of past, present and future events, and at God, at Life, at everything that had ever happened! I was so angry "at all that" I forgot about myself at first.

It was as if a lid was peeled off my awareness to let into view what was previously hidden and seething below the surface. And at first it was absolutely terrifying! Terrifying because it "went against" everything I believed in, everything I thought I was, all that I had convinced myself I was. I felt "evil", like a horrible traitor to "all my loved ones", to God, to life, yet I couldn't stop the story from rising with all its perceptions, judgments and feelings. It was so scary to feel this part of me. And it was an imperative from within to just stay with it. For three weeks I spent several hours a day just sitting in Silence and "listening"... allowing, allowing, allowing everything to presence itself within me. I somehow had the conviction that this was all okay and I wasn't worried or concerned at all "what anyone would think of me"; it was as if I knew that this was the ONLY thing that mattered.

Then as suddenly as it began it was gone, and I found myself with a whole new mind, a whole new self; relaxed, at peace, confident, "just myself", free. The amazing thing is I feel like I've been "deprogrammed" somehow; like I had made up so many rules, laws and decisions for myself that I had to obey in order to be "good and loving", "enlightened" and to "fulfill something for God". I even laugh at this thought; I had God OUTSIDE myself! God is ME! I am God! I am WHOLE and FREE; I have my whole mind and heart back! For the first time, I absolutely trust and honor what I think, feel and know in any moment without any need to assert myself, demonstrate, or prove anything. It's wonderful to just be myself! I love myself for the first time, unconditionally, without needing to be in any particular state or for any particular reason... I just do!

Oh, and my mom's back pain completely disappeared after her treatment and hasn't returned. Additionally, the medication she was on for manic depression (supposedly for life) had to be reduced in half, so far.

Finally, I know this is just a beginning. Everyday someone new is guided to me who is going through the same thing. I just listen and enjoy reliving and witnessing myself being released again and again! There are no words to express my gratitude for the miracle of true love and the total joy and freedom it is, exactly as it is, everywhere, all ways and always. Thanks for listening. I love you!


Ritah Sharon Cooke
Wisconsin Dells WI
ritahsharon@yahoo.com

back

<<<previous

<<submit a story>>

next>>>